'Entertainment' is the self-portrait series that I've started the year with, almost a follow up to the 'Growing Pains' series which I started at the end of 2019. While 'Growing Pains' focused on my experience moving to university and trying to figure out who I am, 'Entertainment' experiments with the idea that I feel like I'm playing a character in my own life. I wanted it to be dramatic - not in my previous way of removing faces and blending bodies together - but in a way that branched out more with colour and costume and finally doing some full-body shots. It was experimenting with being dramatic in a theatrical way, rather than shocking.
Speaking of feeling vulnerable, these images felt as if I was exposing myself the most, removing the mask again and dropping the character. The clothes and having more of my face on show added to this, focusing less on hiding behind an outfit and simply presenting a more authentic version of myself. I shot the third image below this morning in a few minutes and edited it in around half an hour. It's simple, but I love it. And that is 'Entertainment'. I'm excited to see where I can take my work next.
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'Growing Pains' is the title of my current project, 'documenting' a transitional phase, feeling lost and without an identity, being a stranger to others and becoming one to yourself. It is about visually representing the emotional pain of growing up and growing out of who you used to be and growing into someone else.
I don't have the words to describe it, so here are my growing pains.
This is an image idea that kept me awake at night, so I made a video about the experience making it. Looking at it now, I'm not hugely happy with the outcome of this shoot, but I'm proud that I went back to the idea and tried again, and that I will probably try a few more times after this.
I took my photos in my regular 'studio' set up, colour adjusted and blemish fixed and did any other little adjustments in photoshop, then literally just printed them off with a sky background and some butterfly PNGs and got to work. I scanned the collages back into Photoshop, and added the curve layer and oil paint texture that I use in all of my recent works to add to the Renaissance painting inspiration. Aether was a primordial god of light and the god of the sky, which the ancient Greeks considered to be 'blue ether' that represented heaven. I originally saw the word 'aether' in reference to a Minecraft mod, but I liked it enough to do some research and create an airy wings and butterfly and 'heavenly' series inspired by it.
This little row is inspired by a breakdown I had a week or two ago and the feeling of being out of control and the overwhelming heaviness that I felt the entire time. I'm going to do a brief step-by-step / editing process for one of the images. The 'stages' are in the gallery below if you want to view them.
The last time I put so many images together like this was probably the first time I actually attempted a 'hands' photo - it was another close up of my face with four different disembodied hands coming in to frame. It's interesting to see how my style has developed and how my confidence and skills with Photoshop have increased since then.
'Affection' is the title of a song by Amber Run. It's a journey of exploring love and the complex tornado of emotion that encompasses it. The lyrics are pure poetry that paint a picture in your mind with every word adding a new brushstroke until you’re left with a masterpiece. Each note throughout this track feels like a freight train of emotion, oozing heart-torn sadness and sounding almost like a cry. It's a beautiful song, and it's a title I wanted to connect to some of the more vulnerable images I've made. Rather than showing snapshots of the editing process, I wanted to focus on documenting the process of actually shooting the images, from setting up the background to me just swishing my dress and flicking my hair in case I want to add some motion to the final photo. I don't really have anything else to say about this: it's the one time where I'm more articulate when I'm speaking rather than when I'm writing. So, this is 'Affection'.
Originally, I wanted to wait until I had a 'row' of three images before posting this blog, but I decided I wanted to stick to what I planned for this to be: weekly updates of the stories I create in this flat. I was listening to a lot of Dodie this week (I recently gave in and got Spotify so I'm trying to get the statistics to loosely match my iTunes ones) and a lyric from her song 'Human' connected with me a little more than usual: "Will you share your soul with me? Unzip your skin and let me have a see." So, in some ways, here is me taking off my armour and sharing myself with you. I was going to shoot against the wall by my bed in natural lighting, then with the lights on, then with the lights off and flash on, but it turned out I couldn't hang a sheet from that wall to create the black background I originally planned for, so I ended up using natural lighting and hanging a sheet off my wardrobe and bathroom doors. Here's the unfinished editing process for another image that will be in this series. There are many hours between 1.5 and 1.6: I realised that the black background wasn't working out for me, and having blue hair contrasts a lot with the soft pink colour scheme I was going for. Shooting the images made me feel incredibly vulnerable. Editing them, too. Usually, all my work is fully clothed and I'm focusing on the background and added details and making the dress more dramatic rather than focusing on my body. With these, I was forced to, and I'm almost embarrassed to admit that it took an incredible amount of willpower not to slim my waist and my arms or erase the natural rolls in my side when I lean over. However, I will say that I did remove the moles on my back: not due to insecurity, but they conflicted with the images I had for unzipping the skin.
So, this is the one image I made this week. I think it's the most proud I've been of anything I've ever made. For these images, I started with a clear vision: natural lighting, blurred floral background, intricate golden tiara, floaty tulle dress. But it’s rained every day since I moved in and my tiara is from eBay and dresses are expensive when you’re living on a few pounds a day. I barely had natural light as the sun only comes into my room first thing in the morning and hits one wall above my desk. However, as I’ve always done, I had myself and a tripod. I set up in front of the wall by my door. It has the worst lighting in the entire room, but it’s the only wall I have that’s white and not covered in posters or black scuff marks from the previous owner. I took a few test shots to experiment with aperture and ISO settings as well as the framing before 'getting into costume'. This was my eBay tiara and a tulle skirt worn as a dress. The base images were lacking the 'flair' I originally planned for, so I focused on editing instead, incorporating the oil painting inspired textures I used in my A-Level 'Masterpiece' project and a few pieces afterwards. I brought in butterflies as a symbol of change and hope and resurrection and endurance. The decision to remove my face came from a time of low mental health and a loss of identity. I was at a point where I felt as if I lost so much of 'myself' to mental health issues that I barely recognised who I was anymore, almost as if I no longer had a face. This little series is very rough round the edges, but the concept is a reminder of a very important phase of my life: a transitional phase, feeling lost and without an identity, being a stranger to others and becoming one to yourself.
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February 2020
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